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The Top Ten Top Ten lists of 2009 … of 2009

Everyone go ape because it’s that time again! It’s time for the 412th annual Top Ten List-ival!!!! Everyone must immediately provide their Top Ten lists of movies, albums, books, games, TV programmes, news stories, dead celebrity jokes, cheese sandwiches, tramps, elephant impressions, moustache jockies, retro comb-overs, and sequin polishers. You must do this IMMEDIATELY!! It’s already 2010, you must comply before February 1st 2010 or risk people no longer caring about what you think or, worse still, missing that obscure Hungarian movie about dead prostitutes which you absolutely thought was the best film of 2009.

Or else you can kick back, relax and enjoy this compilation of my Top Ten favourite Top Ten lists of 2009 … of 2009.

10. The ten objectively biggest tech stories of the year - Techmeme

Let’s kick off the 2009 Listival with this list of big tech stories this year for all you geeks out there. And you can’t get much geekier than a (“nearly”) objectively put together list based on mega-quartacks and the way a blue moon reflects off a baldy man’s bonce.

9. Celebrity Science Fails - New Scientist

“I may be a celebrity but I can do science, me!” No. You. Can’t.

Not, strictly speaking, a Top Ten but entertaining never the less. Highlight has to be Roger Moore’s assertion that Foie Gras causes Alzheimers.

8. Humanitarian crises - Doctors Without Borders

Top Ten lists are a celebration of the past year so mega-lolz go out to this cheery list of the years best Humanitarian crises.

7. National Geographic Videos of the Year - National Geographic

A moon landing, a Dumbo impression, and a Deep Sea Eruption. And that was just my summer holiday to Greece. Ha!

Seriously cool videos from the unerring genius of the National Geographic. Top of the pops is a fish with a transparent head … hold on that can’t be right, let me double check this… OMFG, IT’S A MOTHER-FLIPPING FISH WITH A MOTHER-FLIPPING TRANSPARENT HEAD!

6. Fails - Failblog

“I’ma let you finish but Failblog Fail lists is one of the best lists of all time!!!” That’s right a Mr. Kanye West was crowned this years “King of Fail” for his outburst at the VMAs when he interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. Click here to see how he went on to interrupt Obama.

In second place is the moment a Bolivian news programme showed footage of the plane crash from Lost as “Las Fotos De La Tragedia” in a report about a real-life plane crash. I don’t speak Bolivian but I think that translates to … EPIC FAIL.

5. The Future - The Futurist

The future is upon us, and it will be the era of brain-to-brain telepathy, micronations on artificial islands, ammonia-fuelled cars, and extra-terrestial contact. I guess we’ll have to wait a bit longer before we can all be the proud owners of a hoverboard. Gutted.

4. Metacritic critic round-up - Metacritic

The definitive place to go for all your meta-list needs in music, movie and gaming. ‘The Hurt Locker’ is apparently the critics most-featured top ten movie of the year and received the best reviews with a phenomenal metascore of 94. However, the George Clooney vehicle ‘Up in the Air ‘(which is soon to be released here in the UK) was the film that most often topped critics top ten lists. Well I’m still going to see that Hungarian film about the dead prostitute that The Guardian recommended.

3. Google searches - Google / Twitter Trends - Twitter

In joint third (in a lazy attempt to shoe-horn eleven entries into a top ten list) comes Google and Twitter. You won’t be surprised to discover that everyone’s favourite dead child-botherer topped most lists.

Meanwhile, Twitter became a place for the collective Tweet-brain to communicate against adversity with ‘#iranelection’ overcoming political censorship to report to the world. Yay Twitter!

2. Cryptozoology - Cryptomundo

The only list I’ve found this year that has bigfoot, Coelacenth babies and sewer alligators (although I’ve not yet checked the Financial Times Top Ten list of Jordan’s boyfriends). This list records a good year for the growing profession of Cryptozoology in which experts take a scientific approach to investigating the stories behind some of our planet’s more elusive inhabitants. Delivered with equal measures of open-mindedness and scepticism this is the go-to place for all things cryptozoological.

1. Internet Memes - Mashable

If you don’t know what an internet meme is then consider this link your tutorial - Know Your Meme. In short, a meme is an internet phenomena or viral video that gets completely out of control. You want Balloon Boy? There’s a meme for that! You want SuBo? There’s a meme for that! You want Kanye West interruptions? There’s a meme for that! You want an alpen cow on a skateboard? Mm… there’s no meme for that.

My favourite meme of the year comes in at number 4. Three Wolf Moon - in which hundreds of people posted comedy reviews for a frankly awesome t-shirt for sale on Amazon which features (you guessed it) three wolves and one moon. Here’s the best rated review in full. I defy you to not put in an instant order for this magnificent garment:

“This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.”

Genius.